Just Listen: Discover the secret of getting through to anyone, by Mark Goulston

Who’s holding you hostage

• Good management is art of making the problems and their solutions so interesting that everyone want to go to work and deal with them
• Picture yourself driving up a steep hill. Your tires slip and slide and can’t grab hold. But downshift, and you get control. It’s like pulling the road to meet you.
• Most people upshift when they want to get through to other people. They persuade. They encourage. They argue. They push. And in the process, they create resistance.
• When you use the techniques I offer, you’ll do exactly the opposite—you’ll listen, ask, mirror, and reflect back to people what you’ve heard. When you do, they will feel seen, understood, and felt—and that unexpected downshift will draw them to you.
• The persuasion cycle: Almost all communication is an effort to get through to people and cause them to do something different than they were doing before. Maybe you’re trying to sell them something Or talk sense into them Or impress them.
• But here’s the challenge: People have their own needs, desires, and agendas. They have secrets they’re hiding from you. And they’re stressed, busy, and often feeling like they’re in over their heads. To cope with their stress and insecurity, they throw up mental barricades that make it difficult to reach them even if they share your goals, and nearly impossible if they’re hostile.
• Approach these people armed solely with reason and facts, or resort to arguing or encouraging or pleading, and you’ll expect to get through—but often you won’t. Instead, you’ll get smacked down, and you’ll never have a clue why. (How often have you walked away from a sales pitch, an office meeting, or an argument with your partner or child, shaking your head and saying, “What the heck just happened?”)
• All persuasion moves through the steps of this cycle. To take people from the beginning to the end of the Persuasion Cycle™, you need to speak with them in a manner that moves them: From resisting to listening; From listening to considering : From considering to willing to do, From willing to do to doing; From doing to glad they did and continuing to do

• The focus, central tenet, “the secret of getting through to absolutely anyone,” is that you get through to people by having them “buy in.”
• “Buy-in” occurs when people move from “resisting” to “listening” to “considering” what you’re saying. Ironically, the key to gaining “buy in” and then moving people through the rest of the cycle is not what you tell them, but what you get them to tell you—and what happens in their minds in the process.
• Building empathy, de-escalating conflict, and gaining buy-in to a desired solution—and when you know them, you won’t need to be held hostage by another person’s anger, fear, lack of interest, or hidden agenda.

A little science: how brain goes from “No” to “Yes”

3 parts of brain,:

■ The lower reptilian brain is the “fight-or-flight” part of your brain. This region of your brain is all about acting and reacting, without a lot of thinking going on. It can also leave you frozen in a perceived crisis—the “deer-in-the-headlights” response.
■ The middle mammal brain is the seat of your emotions. (Call it your inner drama queen.) It’s where powerful feelings—love, joy, sadness, anger, grief, jealousy, pleasure—arise.
■ The upper or primate brain is like STAR Trek’s Mr. Spock: It’s the part that weighs a situation logically and rationally and generates a conscious plan of action. This brain collects data from the reptile and mammal brains, sifts it, analyzes it, and makes practical, smart, and ethical decisions.

To a small extent, these three brains work together. To a greater extent, however, they tend to pull apart and function independently — especially when we’re under stress. When that happens and the reptile or mammal brain takes control, the human thinking brain is eclipsed, and we shift into primal brain functions.

To reach someone, you need to talk to the human upper brain—not the snake brain or the rat brain. You’re in trouble if you’re trying to gain buy-in from someone who’s feeling angry, defiant, upset, or threatened because, in these situations, the person’s higher brain isn’t calling the shots.

If you’re talking to a boss, a customer, a spouse, or a child whose lower brain or midbrain is in control, you’re talking to a cornered snake or, at best, a hysterical rabbit.

■ Amygdala Hijack AND THE: Death Of Rational Thought: Your amygdala, a small area deep in your brain, flies into action if it senses a threat to you. When your amygdala hits the boiling point, however, it’s all over and your brain‘s intelligent and sensible pilot—the frontal cortex—is no longer in control. Instead, the snake is flying the plane.

If you’re trying to talk facts and reason with a person who’s in full amygdala hijack, you’re wasting your time.

Watch Tiger wood, when he’s under stress, and you’ll see that instead of becoming distressed, he becomes determined and more focused. When other golfers go from stressed to distressed to choking, Tiger goes from stressed to alert to determined.

Mirror neurons: Monkey’s brain reacted the same way by watching other monkey do something. It causes empathy

Understanding a person’s hunger and responding to it is one of the most potent tools you’ll ever discover for getting through to anyone you meet in business or your personal life.

The Canadian’s enthusiasm caused him to always exceed the allotted times for his presentations, running well into the times allotted for breaks. This caused the meeting staff to shorten breaks.

In contrast, the British psychiatrist began his talks by tapping on the microphone and asking if everyone could hear him in the back of the room. He was also acutely attuned to any clues that the audience’s attention span was drifting significantly. At those moments, he demonstrated one of the most dramatic instances of mirroring I can remember—and he did it with a large audience, no less. He would literally be in mid-sentence, stop himself, and say: “You’ve heard enough for now. Let’s take a break and resume in ten minutes.”

In first these episodes seemed a bit off the wall, but by the end of the conference, the audience had clearly shifted from being wowed by the charismatic but rather full-of-himself Canadian to deeply appreciating AND listening to the Brit who’d taken the effort to accurately mirror them.

THE NINE Core Rules FOR GETTING THROUGH TO Anyone

1) MovE YOURSELF FROM “OH F#@& TO OK”

The key to winning is poise under stress.
—PAUL BROWN

This is about ability to rise above a crisis and do the right thing. Being smart and ethical—and it’s also because when trouble arises, one can quickly bring his initial fear response (a universal human reaction to crisis) under control.

■ GEt THROUGh TO YoURSELf FIRST

Mastering the art of controlling yourself will change your life, because it’ll keep you from being your own worst enemy when it comes to reaching other people in stressful situations. (That’s why flight attendants instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first before placing one on your child.)

■ SPEEd Is EvERYTHINg

In reality, you probably already know how to handle a tense situation intelligently. You know exactly how to go from attack mode to emotional mode to smart mode. Unfortunately, you probably don’t know how to do it FAST.

By then, however, it’s often too late. You’ve already lost a sale, alienated a boss or coworker, or convinced a lover that you’re bad news. Or you’ve missed the moment to make a perfect comment or a great first impression.

What’s interesting is that even though every crisis seems different to you, your mind treats them all in pretty much the same way.

■ THE POWEr Of “Oh F#@&”
One absolutely crucial element in moving your brain from panic to logic is to put words to what you’re feeling at each stage. You can do this silently if you’re in public or out loud if you’re alone, but either way it’s a critical part of putting yourself in control fast.

Brain’s prefrontal cortex appears to inhibit emotional responses so a person can think coolly about what’s happening. And that’s just what you want to do.

■ THE “OH F#@& TO OK” SPEED DRILL ■

• “Oh F#@&” (The Reaction Phase): Acknowledge your feeling
• “Oh God” (The Release Phase): breathe deeply and slowly through your nose with your eyes closed and let it go. This help regain your inner balance
• “Oh Jeez” (The Recenter Phase): breathe
• “Oh Well” (The Refocusing Phase):
  Start to think of what you can do to control the damage and make the best of the situation.
• “OK” (The Re-engaging Phase)
  If you’ve had your eyes closed up to now, open them. Then do what you need to do.

2) REWIRE YOURSELF TO LisTEN

Life is mostly a matter of perception and more often misperception. —DAVE LOGAN

• Perceiving is believing
• Misperceiving is deceiving
• And it prevent from achieving

The problem is that while we think our first impressions of people are grounded solely in logic, they’re not. In reality, they’re a jumbled mix of conscious and unconscious truth, fiction, and prejudice. Thus, from the very start, we’re dealing with a fictitious creation— not a real person.

That doesn‘t mean they’re entirely wrong. (In fact, an initial “gut instinct” is often spot-on.) But it means they’re not entirely right, either.

Open your own mind and look for the reasons behind the behavior, and you’ll take the first step toward breaking down barriers and communicating with an “impossible” person.

3) Make other person feel “FELT”

Making someone “feel felt” simply means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. When you succeed, you can change the dynamics of a relationship in a heartbeat. At that instant, instead of trying to get the better of each other, you “get” each other and that breakthrough can lead to cooperation, collaboration, and effective communication

When you mirror what another person feels, the person is wired to mirror you in return

In large companies, when people make a mistake and feel criticized or embarrassed from without and humiliated from within, they often promise themselves, “Never again will I put myself in a position to be beaten up like this.” This unconsciously holds them back when they have to make a new decision that might turn out to be a mistake.

By addressing this dynamic head-on and showing that you understand and accept how the person feels and that you’d feel the same, you make these frightened clients “feel felt.” They shift from defensiveness (“Get away!”) to reason, and they’re capable of hearing your message and weigh- ing it rationally.

Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think it’s ————— . . .” and fill in an emotion. “Is that correct? If it’s not, then what ARe you feeling?” Wait for the person to agree or correct you.

Step by step of making other person feel “Felt”

1. Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feel- ing, such as “frustrated,” “angry,” or “afraid.”
2. Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think it’s ————— . . .” and fill in an emotion. “Is that correct? If it’s not, then what ARe you feeling?” Wait for the person to agree or correct you.
3. Then say, “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Give the person time to respond. Be prepared, at least initially, for a torrent of emotions—especially if the person you’re talking with is holding years of pent-up frustration, anger, or fear inside. This is not the time to fight back, or air your own grievances.
4. Next, say, “And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) is because. . . ?” Again, let the person vent.
5. Then say, “Tell me—what needs to happen for that feeling to feel better?”
6. Next, say, “What part can I play in making that happen? What part can you play in making that happen?”

If you ignore that person’s feelings, you’ll keep hitting the same brick wall of anger, antagonism, or apathy.

4. Be more interested

Because you’re focusing all your attention on what you can say to make that person think you’re cool or smart or witty. And that’s your mistake, because you’ve got it backward. To figure out why, look at what two of the world’s most successful people do.

The more interested you are in another person, the more you narrow the person’s mirror neuron receptor deficit—that biological hunger to have his or her feelings mirrored by the outside world . The more you do that, the more intrigued the person is with you in return, and the more empathy the person feels toward you. So to be interesting, forget about being interesting. Instead, be interested.

The same thing holds true when you talk to people in person. The more you try to convince people that you’re brilliant or charming or talented, the more they’re likely to consider you boring or self-centered. That’s especially true if you step on their stories in a rush to work in your own.The same thing holds true when you talk to people in person. The more you try to convince people that you’re brilliant or charm- ing or talented, the more they’re likely to consider you boring or self-centered. That’s especially true if you step on their stories in a rush to work in your own.

■ DON’t JusT ACt INTERESTED—BE INTERESTEd:

You can’t fake interest, so don’t try. So: how do you master the skill of being interested—and be sin- cere when you do it?

The first key is to stop thinking of conversa- tion as a tennis match. (He scored a point. Now I need to score a point.) Instead, think of it as a detective game, in which your goal is to learn as much about the other person as you can. Go into the conversation knowing that there is something very in interesting and you have to discover it.

When you do this, your expectation will show in your eyes and body language. You’ll instinctively ask questions that let the other person fully develop an interesting story, rather than trying to trump that story. And you’ll listen to what the person is saying, rather than thinking solely about what you’re going to say next.

The second key to being interested is to ask questions that demonstrate that you want to know more. It’s not always easy, of course, to get another person to open up so that you CAN be interested in what he or she is saying. In a business setting, the best way I’ve discovered is to ask questions like these

■ “How’d you get into what you do?” (I credit Los Angeles super mediator Jeff Kichaven with this; he says it never fails to start and keep people talking.)
■ “What do you like best about it?”
■ “What are you trying to accomplish that’s important to you in your career (business, life, etc.)?”
■ “Why is THAT important to you?”
■ “If you were to accomplish that, what would it mean to you and what would it enable you to do?”

In personal relationships—for instance, at a party or on a first date—questions like these can often trigger a heartfelt response:

■ “What’s the best (or worst) part of (coaching your kid’s soccer team, being away from home, etc.)?”
■ “What person has had the biggest influence on your life?”
■ “Is that the person you’re most grateful to? If not, who is?”
■ “Did you ever get a chance to thank that individual?” (If the person asks, “Why are you asking these questions?,” you can say: “I find giving people the chance to talk about who they’re grateful to brings out the best in them.”)
■ “I’d like you to imagine that life is perfect . . . Okay, tell me—what do you see?” (I credit Los Angeles-based human resource special- ist Monica Urquidi with this tip. If the person asks why you’re ask- ing this, say: “I find that learning about people’s hopes and dreams tells me what’s important to them—that’s a good thing to know, don’t you think?”)

Another way to show you are interested is by summarising what other person is saying, skillfully and sincerely

The measure of self-assurance is how deeply and sincerely interest- ed you are in others; the measure of insecurity is how much you
try to impress them with you.

5. Make people feel valuable

• if your emotional IQ is high, you’ll find ways to show the people you value, how much they matter.

• it’s smart to go out of your way to make the annoying people in your life—the complainers, kvetchers, and obstructers—feel important, too.
• One thing most of these high-maintenance, easy-to-upset, difficult-to-please people have in common is that they feel as if the world isn’t treating them well enough.
• People who complain and cause problems typically have a serious mirror neuron receptor deficit, and the more other people avoid or ignore them, the worse it gets
• these people are driving you crazy for a simple reason: they need to matter. Want them to stop driving you crazy? Then you’ll need to satisfy that need.

6. Help people exhale emotionally and mentally

■ Moving a person away from distress

Stress isn’t bad. It causes us to focus, become determined, and test our mettle. It’s when stress crosses over into distress that we lose sight of our important long-term goals and instead look for what will relieve us now.

if you’re dealing with people in distress. In these situations, the first step is to move people out of this state and into a state where their brains are capable of listening to you.

If you take a wrong step and people on a brink of distress will respond by a) hip shooting, b) venting, c) suppressing

■ GUIDING A PERSON TO EXHALE

Understand that you can’t make the person do this—but you can make him or her WANT to do it.

1. Give plenty of time to express whatever he’s saying. When people vent, whine, or complain, they’re trying to prevent an amygdala hijack that could make them act out in some fight-or- flight way that could be far more destructive. Once they pick up speed, they don’t want to be interrupted.

2. Don’t take issue with anything Dean says, become defensive, or get into a debate.
3. After he vents, you’ll both be exhausted. This is not to be con- fused with a relaxed state. The difference between EXHAUSTED and RELAXED is that when you’re exhausted, you feel empty and tired and you’re not open to input. At this point, it may appear that it’s your turn to talk—but it’s not. Talking right now is the rookie mistake that most people make. If you start to talk now, Dean will close down because he’s too exhausted to listen.

Instead, pause after he’s unloaded on you, and then simply say, “Tell me more.” Doing this has several positive effects:

■ When it turns out you’re not going to get into a debate with Dean, it disarms him. There’s no need for him to fight you, if you don’t engage in a fight.
■ “Tell me more” shows that you were listening and heard what really bothered him. It also lowers his paranoia that you’re now going to come back at him for, in essence, dumping on you.
■ When you don’t take issue with Dean venting at you, he will finally begin to exhale. You’ll see it in his posture, in his face, and even in his breathing as he relaxes and lets go of his distress.

Most people short circuit this process dur- ing the venting stage by becoming defensive (“I’m not the only one who’s to blame here”), trying to offer solutions (“Well, maybe you should look for another job if you hate yours so much”), or getting nervous and trying to make things better (“Okay, I know it’s been rough, but let’s forget about all this for a few hours and go out to lunch”).

Do not make any of these mistakes, because, like draining an infected wound, the job of getting a person to exhale isn’t done until it’s done. When it is, you’ll earn your reward, in the form of a strong connection—one based on the powerful emotions of relief and gratitude—that you can use to get your own message across.

7. Check your dissonance at the door

Dissonance occurs when you think you’re coming across in one way but people see you in a totally different way. You could be right or others could be right.

Dissonance makes a person stop thinking “What can this person do for me?” and start wondering, “What is this person planning to do to me?” It also keeps you and another person from connecting—or, from a neurological point of view, achieving mirror neuron empathy—because you’re not sending the message you think you’re sending.
Dissonance is a common culprit in marital disputes and creates fracture in relationships.

The quickest way to pinpoint your issues with dissonance is to identify two or three honest (or better yet, blunt) people who know you well and whose judgment you trust, and ask them to describe your worst traits.

Feedforward: First, pick the behavior you most need to change. (For instance, “I want to be better at accepting criticism so people don’t see me as hos- tile.”) Now, approach anyone—your spouse, a friend, even a total stranger—and ask that person to suggest two things you can do in the future to change this behavior for the better.
Better yet, say to this person that you are looking to improve your- self as a boss, subordinate, friend, or whatever your relationship is with that person. Say that you’d like specific suggestions about something you could do differently going forward to improve the relationship from the other person’s point of view.
If the person knows you, ask him or her not to talk about what you’ve done wrong in the past, but only about how you can do better from this point on. Listen to what the person says, and respond with only two words: “Thank you.” Then repeat this process with additional people.

■ WHEN YOU CAN’T AVOID DISSONANCE, ANTICIPATE IT:

Not all dissonance is your fault and not all dissonance is avoidable. If you travel abroad or you work or live with people from many cultures, you’ll eventually say or do something offensive to someone— even if you’re trying your hardest not to.

Fortunately, preventing this problem is surprisingly simple. Being able to articulate awkwardness while being polite and respectful plays well in any culture, so here’s all you need to do: simply admit up front that you’re likely to screw up.

For instance, say, “I’ve read up on your culture and the differences between both of our cultures, and yet I am certain I will say and do things that may not fit. I’m not planning to, but it may happen—and the last thing I would want to do is embarrass you in front of your peers by making you have to explain my offensive behavior. If you tell me the most common things my culture does or doesn’t do that offend your culture, I will try my very best to not act in those ways.”
This type of humility totally disarms most people.

Warren Bennis, “When you really get where people are coming from—and they get that you get them—they’re more likely to let you take them where you want them to go.”

8. WHEN ALL SEEMS LOST—BARE YOUR NECK

Don’t be afraid of sharing your vulnerabilities doesn’t make you weak, it makes you accessible. Know that your
vulnerability can be your strength.
Vulnerability—KEITH FERRAZZI, AUTHOR,
WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK

• One is that people will forgive you and even try to help you if you’re honest about a mistake
• It’s much better to reach out for help before you mess up
• If you have messed up, still reach out
• Owning up to your feeling of vulnerability is empowering. It prevents an amygdala hijack that could result in rash decisions and seriously bad life choices. It allows you to exhale, rather than blowing up.
• Doing the opposite—pretending you’re fine when your world is imploding—can be dangerous or even deadly.
• “I’m afraid” or “I’m lonely” or “I don’t know how to get through this”—the other person will immediately mirror your true feelings.

9. Steer clear of toxic people

Some of these people want to suck you dry, while others want to con you, thwart you, bully you, or make you the scapegoat for their mistakes. To save yourself, you need to strip these people of the power to hurt you.

There are three ways to do this. The first is to confront these people directly. The second is to neutralize them. The third is to walk away and make sure they don’t follow you.

• Needy people: There are mildly needy or suck your blood dry needy people. For the latter, whatever you do it’s never enough. Stay away from them if you can or if it’s an important relationship, confront them. Also avoid borderline personality disorder people, they need doctor, even professionals find it tough to deal with them.
• Bullies: bullies come after you since they think you are an easy prey. Refuse to follow their script and usually they give up.Make eye contact. Act perfectly polite but ever-so-slightly bored, as if your mind is elsewhere. Let your body language transmit the same message. If you are in a position to take risk, strike them hard.
• Takers: hit you up every day with favor. They can ruin your day. Avoid them or neutralize them by insisting each time for quid pro quo.
• Narcissists: Not bad at heart, just spoiled lot. Move away, however if you can’t, don’t expect 50-50 relationship
• Psychopaths: Don’t try to handle them, steer clear no matter what it costs you

12 ways to achieve buyin:

1) The impossibility question:

Most of things were declared impossible before they were done.

This technique is required when the other person is listening but not considering. Typically, the person is wavering between fear (“this is a threatening idea, and it will fail and ruin me”) and apathy (“this may be a good idea, but it sounds like too much effort on my part”). If you’re lucky, there might be a flicker of interest in there some- where (“Hmmm . . . could it work? Who knows.”). But without a shove, your idea is going nowhere. That powerful shove is the Impossibility Question.

That’s it, just two quick questions: “What’s something that would be impossible?” and, “What would make it possible?”

This approach is a little like the martial arts ploy that uses an opponent’s offensive move against the person by pulling the opponent off balance instead of striking back.

Instantly the person will ask for lot of requirements, but the person’s mind will take hold of your question band you have created a mental itch that need to be scratched

2) Magic paradox

Do the unexpected, the expected is boring. The expected is turned out

Instead of asking the person to be and do positive, mirror his emotions and say that I think I know that nobody can understand how hard it is to deal with the stuff that is happening in your life. You can’t pull off this project.

Once mirror neuron deficit of other person is addressed and you cause him to feel understood, he will turn positive.

Once you get one “yes you are right” from the other person and establish rapport, you shift the person from disagreement to agreement

3) The empathy jolt

Great anger is more destructive than the sword- Indian proverb

Empathy is a sensory experience; that is, it activates the sensory part of your nervous system, including the mirror neurons we’ve talked about. Anger, on the other hand, is a motor action—usually a reaction to some perceived hurt or injury by another person. So by taking people out of anger and shifting them into an empathic behavior, the Empathy Jolt moves them from the motor brain to the sensory brain.

Initially, this human punching bag is frustrated because no matter what he or she is trying to mirror outward——I’m sorry, I’m confused, I’m SCARed, I HAD A good rEASON for WHAT I did—the ignorant blamer is blind to it. As a result, the person who’s under attack is usually in a state of quiet, barely controlled rage.

When the defender feels understood by the blamer and that they are on the same side, there’s nothing to defend against.

“If I were to ask you what would be most frustrating for your colleagues in current situation”

Your goal is to get two people to mirror each other, and they can’t do that if you’re standing between them. So facilitate, but don’t butt in.

4) Reverse empathy jolt

if you’re dealing with someone who has the skills and ability to do a job, but isn’t giving 100 percent.

• Set up time for discussion. If person want to meet immediately, say that you’ll wait until undivided attention can be given
• Prepare 3 specific things why the person will be disappointed or frustrated with you
• In the meeting at that you were thinking why you might be disappointed in me. I think….share the 3 things.
• Ask how the other person think and listen, apologize, thank the person for sharing and promise him to address those

This bring the person out of defensive mode and the person mirror your empathy and concern

“Frank, I’m calling because I think I’ve been holding onto a minor grudge against you for all these years for something I can’t even remember. I don’t think it was anything you did, but my oversensitive reaction caused me to lose contact with you. So I decided to call you and see how you and your family are, because we were the best of friends during our internship.”

If you are not sure whether to continue relationship, you can try reverse play as diagnostic test.

4) Do you really believe that

Here’s what Scott does. When a person launches into an out-of-control rant about how awful the problem is and how it’s the end of the world, etc., etc., Scott simply says, calmly: “Do you really believe that?”. Not in a hostile or degrading manner. “If everyone here is incompetent, we have a big problem and I am going to need your help on rooting then out and solving them”

This help you find out the real problem, before you try and solve it.

5) The power of hmmm…..

If a person start out mad, frustrated and defensive, and you expect the things to go downhill, Say hmmmm…. in tell me more tone. Follow it by “really” or “and so…” Or “what else” or “then what happened” or “tell me more”

The other person likely to say “I know I am sounding like a whiner”

Hm… Is a potent de-escalator and help you handle the bullets aimed at your heart. Defense or counter attack reinforce that you think people are wrong.

6) The stipulation gambit

i.e. agree upfront on something. Frequently we spend too much energy hiding weaknesses, even when they are clear to others. You lose trust of others when you do that

Stipulation also help to address issues like poor understanding or appreciation by putting the concern upfront. It takes courage but has big pay off.

7) From Transaction to Transformation

Transnational communication don’t open mind and heart, it is shallow and impersonal and doesn’t create traction in relationship 

A transnational Communication is like an encounter with ATM, it’s impersonal and shallow and doesn’t create traction in relationship. To create life changing event, you need to move beyond transaction to relating. “What are you proud of accomplishing”, “what is one thing which will help you to achieve your goal quickly”, “what are 3 things you want me to always do, and 3 things you want me to never do”, “is it fun to be a CFO”

Ask question what single question will show the person that I am interested in his or her ideas, interest or future success or life.

8) Side by side

Lower the other person guard and move him from listening to considering.  Preaching point is not meeting point- Mother Teresa

Sitting people down and Lecturing does not work since it make them defensive. Talking down or Talking at make people defensive. Talking side by side physically an

Socratic Method. Socrates never told anybody anything; he just walked around town with people asking them questions until they figured out the answers them- selves, and in the process he helped create Western civilization.

MBWA: Management by walking around, a management technique used to find what is going on in your area and creating affinity with coworkers in the process

Join a person in the activity eg. eating lunch, sit side by side, Don’t focus on the past, instead explore ways to make things go right in the future.  Ask another questions to gain insight into what person is doing, thinking, feeling. Use it to learn from them. Acknowledge the comment: “We need people with creative ideas like that”, “That’s interesting way to think”, “I hadn’t looked at it this way”, “That’s worth thinking about”, “Smart idea”

Caution: a) once they lower their guard, don’t break their trust, do not use this for trolling negative information, b) Resist the urge to argue and explain why you are right, instead ask another question to deepen the conversation

Fill in the blanks

Move the person to “willing to do” by making the person feel Felt and understood

People may not be ready to bare their flaw to a stranger. Invite people to a conversation rather than putting the person to defensive. Don’t come across as defensive teacher. Ask people to fill in the blanks.

Direct question make people feel you are talking at them, not talking to them

Example: “you are thinking to buy our software because”

“Trying understand, wholesale is impacted similar to retail because”

“I want people to work for me because they want to, not because they have to”

Take it all away

Benefit: move s person in the persuasion cycle from resistance to doing by creating an agreement when none exist.

Biggest mistake we make is not asking too much, but asking too little. Keep pushing for what you want until you receive a “NO”

Most people are scared of this approach. It’s a bit risky but if you ready to move outside your comfort zone, try this.

When the person says NO, they expect you to be upset or frustrated or angry.

Do none of these and say “I am grateful for your time, can I ask a question”. Ask “I failed to address something important, isn’t I”. This way you get a “Yes” from the person. Once you get yes, use fill in the blank approach to know.

The power Thank you or power apology

Benefit: Move a person from “doing” to “glad they did” and continuing to do with power thank you; or resistance to listening with power apology

When you are deeply grateful to someone, you need to express beyond plain “thank you”. Power thank you, offer it in a group setting if you can

• Thank the person for something specific he did or didn’t
• Acknowledge the effort
• Tell the difference that his action made to you

Power Apology: 4 R’s

• Remorse: Demonstrate to the other person that you know you caused harm and you are truly sorry. When you’re doing this, allow the other person to vent and don’t become defensive even if the person is over the top. When you encourage people who are furious to get their anger off their chests, it speeds the healing process.
• Restitution: Find some way to make amends, at least partially.
• Rehabilitation: Demonstrate through your actions that you’ve learned your lesson. If a mistake occurred because you didn’t do your job right or you shot off your mouth without thinking, do whatever it takes to avoid making the same mistake in the future.
• Requesting forgiveness: Don’t do this immediately, because actions speak louder than words. To truly earn forgiveness, you need to sustain your corrective actions until they become part of who you are. At this point—and not before—go back to the person you’ve hurt and say, “Are you able to forgive me for hurting you?”

If someone doesn’t forgive you even after you’ve done all you can to make amends, don’t assume that you’re unforgiveable; instead, realize that you may be dealing with someone who’s unforgiving. If that’s the case, don’t drive yourself nuts over it. Just let it go, and don’t work up a grudge that’ll add to your emotional baggage.

Fast fixes to 7 challenging situations:

1. The team from hell: As long as your team members stay in their silos, your job will be next to impossible. That’s because these people will fail to share information, resulting in major mistakes and wasted effort. They’ll refuse to share their expertise, making everyone’s job harder. And when things get tough, they may even fall into a pattern of sniping or outright sabotage.
So the first thing you need to do is to break down the thick walls between these silos. To do that, build on the things all silos have in common: the sky above (a shared vision) and the ground below (shared values).

Step 1 in this process is to hold a meeting with your team. Your goal at this meeting is to increase your team members’ sense of pas- sion, enthusiasm, and pride in your project,

Let people talk about what vision they’re passionate about and how this project is part of achieving it. Let them talk about what they’re enthusiastic about when their team is buzzing and productive, and what they’re proud of (or not proud of) about the company. Draw out comments about the changes they want to see to feel more passionate, enthusiastic, and proud about what they’re doing. As you do this, you’ll feel your team’s initial apathy or hostility gradually morph into excitement and energy.

• Keep self motivated person happy, use power thank you at strategic time. Remove obstacles from their path
• Make experienced but low motivated person to feel needed. If continue to be low achiever, take him to lunch and ask “I’m guessing that you sometimes find your work frustrating because …..”
• Make complainer feel important by allocating task that will benefit the whole team, like checking with all of they need equipment or support. If continue to complain, try “do you really believe that” or empathy jolt “how do you think Dirk feel when you criticize him of being slow”.
• Envious member: defuse it with your graciousness (power thank you) and humility (stipulation). Eg. “I’m especially grateful to you for the hard work you’re putting in on this project. I know I’m newer and less experienced than you, and some people in that position would resent having me as their manager, but you’ve been really support- ive. I’ve learned a lot from watching you, and I think it’ll make me a better manager.”

Stop fretting over being new and inexperienced and recognize that you got this job because you’re good. Project confidence, and you’ll inspire confidence. Project insecurity, and everyone will sense it.

So assume that you’re the best manager your company has ever had—and then go out and prove it.

Climbing the ladder

Middle level manager in MNC, how to climb up the corporate ladder

Ask your manager what are 3 things you must always do and 3 things you should never do

Your success lie in getting people under our to perform. Use side by side technique to figure out what & how they are doing and potential problems.

One thing your boss will want to know is: “Can this person handle the pressure of a management position?” You’ll look like a leader if you deal with crises without falling apart, so practice the “Oh F#@& to OK” drill in Chapter 3 religiously.

Look for occasions to make your boss “feel felt.” The higher up managers are, the more stressed and less “felt” they feel.

Look beyond your immediate boss. Are there other people, either inside or outside the company, who could help you climb the cor- porate ladder? If so, take my advice: kiss up to them. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but in a good way. These people are intelligent and can offer guidance and open doors for you, and many of them enjoy serving as mentors.

The Narcissists at the table

Good clients and customers raise the bar. Bad ones just keep hitting you over the head with it.

Quietly allow him to lay his new demand on the table. At that point, say very calmly and in a positive way, “Excuse me, but before we continue, you do know that if we listen to you and drop whatever we’re doing now, we won’t be able to finish that task—which was critically important to you last week. So I need to clarify which task you’d like us to do now: the task you thought was top priority last week, or the task you think is top priority this week.”

This approach will bring your narcissist to a halt, because it’s no longer you versus. him. Instead, it’s his former self versus. his cur- rent self.

Be careful, however, to use this approach only with difficult, demanding, narcissistic clients. In most cases when problems arise, they occur not because anyone’s being unreasonable or narcissistic but because there’s a misunderstanding between you and the client. When that happens, the best approach is to go deep using the “Hmmm” technique. For example, if a client looks at your brilliant design and says, “We hate it—it’s terrible!” don’t overreact. Instead, say “Hmmm . . .” or “Tell me more.” This will quickly calm your client, allowing you to get past “It’s terrible!” and identify the specific problems that usually are far short of catastrophic. You can also use the Fill-in-the-Blanks technique by saying, “You’re unhappy with this design because you imagined it being more .” By making your client feel felt and understood, these approaches can lead to a quick resolution.

Stipulation gambit: I do want you to realize that we work best if you give us specific ideas and allow us time to develop them fully.

Stranger in town

Dr Ivan Misner suggest VCP process for networking:

Visibility: know little about each other;

• be interested rather than interesting.

• Talk about other people business more than yours.
• Never ever cut short anyone talking, instead ask question to motivate them to say more.
• Make the person feel Felt
• Use transformation question and power thank you

Credibility: begin to form expectations of each other, and the expectations are fulfilled,

• Crucial stage, don’t create dissonance
• Present yourself honestly and accurately
• Don’t make assumptions about their needs, don’t make false promises
• Go out of the way to perform act which other person value
• Don’t focus on “what’s in it for you”
• Use power apologies to make amend for your mistake

Profitablity: Mutually rewarding

Typically, your new contacts will fall into three categories
—givers, takers, and reciprocators—and you want to weed out the takers early on. So review your list of new contacts and focus your efforts on the givers or reciprocators while easing the takers out of the picture. Be generous with your new contacts and don’t keep score, but give priority to relationships with people who are willing to give back.

Above all, relax and let your network grow over months or years. Relationships, especially ones that lead to mutual profitability, take time, so try not to be impatient. Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a prince—or a whole net- work of them.

The human explosion

Handle an angry person

Step:1: move the person from primitive reptile brain to emotional mammal brain

• Tell me what happened: venting allow the person to move from blindly striking out to emotional. Sceaming or yelling may upset you, but let it happen
• Paraphrase: If I heard you right,….. Calmly with no anger
• Wait until the person says yes. If the person correct you, repeat the information which you are given
• Now say “and that makes you feel angry/frustrated”. Attach a word to his feeling, it lowers agitation. If the person correct you, ask him his feeling and repeat

Stage:2 move the person from middle (mammal) brain to upper brain

• Say that “the reason it is important to fix this now is…….” Ask the person to fill in blanks. Emphasize now. Fill in the blank makes the person think which open the door for reasoning part of the brain
• If the person say “Because if things don’t change, I’m going to explode”. Reply saying “let’s figure out how to get through this”

Don’t appear to compassion of enraged person, appeal to his self-interest

If someone would not listen to you, get him to listen to himself

Getting through to yourself

Henry Ford- “Don’t find fault, find a remedy”

Give yourself credit of things done right and use empathy jolt for yourself. Steps to ensure that you succeed

• Set specific target with step by step plan
• Put your goal in writing
• Tell someone about your goal & share your progress
• Keep toxic people from stoping your progress, avoid them
• Give it time and be patient

Six degree of separation

Reach VIPs

• Create one to one situation: common meeting ask question which people want to answer and make people look good, this creating mirror neuron empathy.
• Make virtual allies: use internet
• Reach the gatekeepers: if you are cold calling, you won’t reach VIP easily. You’ll be blocked by gatekeepers. Make the person your ally rather than enemy. They probably suffer from mirror neuron deficit